Day 4

Today is my almost birthday. I will be 38 years old tomorrow. I have lived longer than my father. It is unimaginable to think of leaving my family at this age. Suicide...it is something that a family never recovers from. I have not recovered from. Election day was the anniversary of my father' death. I was so filled with the excitement of election day that I didn't think of it. I think that's a good thing. The cloud of suicide is always there. Most days the sunshine of my life pushes the cloud away. Other days, it's cloudy and I feel it. To continue the analogy, I think of anger as the fog that was present in so much of my life. Fortunately, I was able to be productive, choose a mate and have children despite this fog. As time has passed and with some therapy, the sunshine has dissipated the fog. A deep sadness at my core is all that remains. I will never be the same because of what he did. My mother will never be the same and my children will miss out because of what he did. I hope he is at peace.

Ok, so on that light note, I would like to shift my focus to my gratitude list for the day.



I am grateful for:



1. A parent assistance website that shows me my kids progress at school

2. Not killing my daughter for getting an F on her report card in Algebra

3. Popcorn from Target

4. My dentist office (bright, cheery and with a TV in each room!)

5. My Kindle (too cool and will continue to show up on my lists)

6. Seeing my old boss (helps me keep things in perspective)

7. Birthday cards

8. Well wishes on Facebook

9. My new corduroy trench coat (thanks Mom!)

10. My new shoes (thanks again Mom!)

11. My husband

12. The bedding at the Hampton Inn (yeah for down comforters and pillows!)

13. My peeps at the gym

14. Kind words when needed most

15. Glide floss

16. My dental hygienist (ok, can you tell I went to the dentist this morning)